Will Obama talk to the Grand Master Jedi? Print E-mail
Saturday, 23 January 2010 16:24
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By Asif Akhtar

Slowly, the trend of diplomacy seems to be setting in on this "War on Terror", moving away from the gruesome Bush Doctrine that said so clearly "we don't negotiate with terrorists". Not only has the Obama Administration changed the original mission of eradicating all "Talibanised" elements, it seems to have instructed its Af and Pak counterparts to do the same.


This recent report in Dawn is curious albeit eyecatching. The headline states, 'Pakistan reaching out to "all levels" of Afghan Taliban', to which my initial reaction was, "What! Even the Grand Master Jedi and the members of the Jedi Council!?" What about the third degree Black Belts? And those Illuminati Ninja Talibans, those higher ranks that must only be spoken to without making eye-contact lest they pluck your reconciliatory eyeballs right out of your skull in one swift move.

Yoda, Grand Master JediIndeed, talking to all levels can be a tricky and testing ordeal. These higher ranks not only become more mystical and enchanting, but also more illusive; they tend to disappear in a flash, and reappear as a group of Klingons in a 60s Star Trek transporter to have a negotiation-style chit-chat with Captain Kirk, the Starfleet Command of the United Federation of Planets. I wonder if these talks also allow access to the Grand Nagus of the Ferengi? Perhaps the "deeply spiritual" Bajorans of Planet Bajor are not included in the Afghan Taliban categorisation. Perhaps such a mediation would only be enabled through The Oracle.

And how exactly does one go about negotiating with the higher orders of the Master of Karate Black Belt Illuminati Taliban? Or does one have to go through the Jedi Council's high jigra to gain access to this illusive brand of high ranking Afghan Taliban? Clearly you can't just pick up the phone and call them up, or look them up in the Yellow Pages listed under "illusive higher-order cult". I don't know, maybe they're on Skype? Heck, if I was involved in the government's plan to reach out to "all levels" of Taliban, I wouldn't know where to begin looking. Are they perhaps situated on the Dark Side of the Force? Is that how the Af-Pak border is divided? Does that mean the Pak side is the Light Side of the Force? On which side are the deadly Sith located?

And more importantly what about the high order of the Quetta Shura? Which side of the force are they on? Are they in fact Dark elements on the Light Side of the Force? This complicates things immensely for the Pak administration; not only do they have to invent creative ways of dealing with complex ranks of ballet dancing, ninjitsu wielding, space-time warping Talibans, now they have to search far and near to discriminate between Af-Talibans and Pak-Talibans on either side of the Force.

According to the Dawn report, US Defense Secretary Robert Gates suggests that Af-Taliban are using the Pak side "northwestern border enclaves" for "orchestrating an intensified insurgency in Afghanistan". The situation looks like it's only going to get more and more complicated. Maybe the government should set up a Taliban hotline with an easy UAN Number, where the Talibans can call in and negotiate. A computerised voice should say:

If you are an Afghan Taliban and would like to negotiate with the government, dial 1,
If you are a Pakistani Taliban and have information on Afghan Talibans in Pakistan dial 2,
If you are a Taliban and are unsure whether you're Pak or Afghan, dial 3,If you would like to hear this recording in a range of other languages including Klingon and Dari, then stay on the line.


Of course the call will have to be routed through an Indian based inbound call centre, because Pakistan probably doesn't have the complex call centre logistics to take and re-route calls of such diversity and importance, from so many different and clandestine sources. Negotiation indeed will be a tough undertaking.

As Pakistan's ministry spokesman Abdul Basit has so aptly noted, “We are trying at all levels but where we succeed is another matter”.

 
Comments (3)
Re Abdul Basit
3 Tuesday, 26 January 2010 17:53
Editor
The quote is drawn from here:

http://www.dawn.com/wps/wcm/connect/dawn-content-library/dawn/news/pakistan/03-pakistan-reaching-out-to-all-levels-of-afghan-taliban-ss-03

It's a paraphrase - the exact wording is:

“We are trying to reach out to them (Taliban) at all levels and all of us would like that our efforts should bring some results, but at this point in time it is very difficult to say”

I'd suggest the meaning is the same as that in Asif Akhtar's article
Wrongly quoted
2 Monday, 25 January 2010 21:55
Abdul Basit
Dear Editors,

it is disappointing to see that I have been wrongly quoted in the above article. I had in fact stated:

'we WILL try at all levels'. I had not said, 'but where we succeed is another matter'.

Your faithfully,

Abdul Basit Legari
this is not funny
1 Monday, 25 January 2010 21:44
Luke Starwalker
The problem is serious we do not need your writers make analogies with HOLLYWOOD films. They could at least take the time reference films from here - in Lollywood. The writer clearly belongs to NYC and is pretending to be an expert on subjects to do with Asia. Had he known ASia he would be referencing either Bollywood - which would be a shame or lollywood. we have films toO!

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