In these times of crisis, who can we call on to save the world? Who better than someone who kicks baddie ass for a living? Oli Usher thinks so... well, maybe...

Let's face it, Obama's no action hero. Sure, he does his best, and I'll grant that he's more plausible than Nicolas Cage in The Rock. But in these troubled times we need a 100% bankable star in the White House - a hero with all the answers to all the big problems of today.

Problems like:

• What can we do to fight crime?
• How do we cope with Asia's economic rise?
• Should we worry about the energy crisis?
• How can we protect the environment?
• What can we do about terrorism?
• How can we strengthen families and defend marriage?
• Why did that guy next to me on the bus yesterday smell so bad?

There is a man with answers to all these questions: Aikido, judo, karate and kendo black belt, blues superstar, energy drink formulator, inspirational actor and Buddhist lama Steven Seagal - the ponytailed, muscle-stacked star of action films including Under Siege, Above the Law and Out for Justice.

I believe that a Seagal White House would pull America out of its rut. And to the naysayers who ask what experience and what judgement a mere movie star can demonstrate which makes him suitable to lead the free world, I humbly offer this collection of evidence taken from Seagal's oeuvre.

Let's just say that Congress wouldn't be in deadlock under President Seagal - it would be in head-lock.

Crime

Seagal's record on crime is his key electoral asset.

In Out for Justice, he's a cop in search of a cop-killer, disrupting the dark world of the New York Italian mafia. In Fire Down Below, he's an undercover environmental inspector who reveals corporate malfeasance. In The Glimmer Man, he hunts down the guy who killed his ex-wife and throws the bastard through a window and onto a conveniently-placed array of pointy railings below.

Now, some sceptics might suggest this shows an un-presidential inconsistency of approach, ranging from the violent, to the wimpish, to the downright psychotic.

But those are the same idiots who said John Kerry was a flip-flopper, condemning us to another four years of George Bush.

I maintain that Seagal's approach in these three films actually has a deeper coherence: they are all appropriate, intelligent and proportionate responses.

Sometimes the police needs to go in with all guns blazing. Sometimes we need a more subtle approach, winning over hearts and minds to isolate the criminals from their community. And sometimes the only course of action is to hunt down the scumbag and administer Justice yourself.

Now you may be thinking that these are just films - how do we know what the real Seagal would do when faced with such delinquency?

Consider this: Seagal is the real life sheriff of Jefferson, Louisiana (and you can follow his exploits in Steven Seagal: Lawman, starting this December, on the appropriately named A&E Channel).

Above the Law? Steven Seagal is the law.

The economy

The recession is global, right? Wrong!* Asia keeps powering ahead, and even Japan, with its stagnant economy, has lower unemployment and higher living standards than the West. We're not going to beat them except by understanding them - and Seagal does.

Notice all that weird stuff in The Glimmer Man about Eastern herbal medicine, karma and Buddhism? Seagal lived for years in Japan and was the first ever foreigner to have his own dojo there.

A fluent speaker of Japanese and, according to the late Tibetan lama Penor Rimpoche, the reincarnation of a 17th century Buddhist tulku, Seagal understands Asia like no other candidate.

Energy

Build nuclear power stations? Invest in wind turbines? Drill for oil in Alaska? Well, if you've watched On Deadly Ground, you'll know Seagal would never sully the Arctic environment. But did you know that there's also no need to scar our landscape with any power plants?

If you lack energy, all you need is a can of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink (Seagal's website explains that it is "a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer"). Every can provides 544 kilojoules of fast acting energy and 100% of your daily requirement of vitamins B3, B5, B6 and B12.

It's 100% natural and fully renewable. And what other energy source comes in two delicious flavours?

The environment

President Seagal would be clear on this: hurt the environment and you hurt yourself (and more importantly, hurt the environment and you risk getting your ass kicked by a ponytailed eco-warrior).

In On Deadly Ground he destroys an oil installation and in Fire Down Below he shuts down an illegal toxic waste dump. Mining companies, oil multinationals - prepare to have your wrists broken and your unconscious body thrown through a window: EPA marshal Jack Taggart is on his way.

Terrorism

Now, I'll be the first to grant that Arnold Schwarzenegger's anti-terrorist credentials are more impressive than Steven Seagal's. Saving an aircraft carrier (Under Siege), a train (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory) and an airliner (Executive Decision) from hijackers isn't bad going, but it's not as varied as Arnie's record preventing, among other exploits, the theft of a top secret Electronic Pulse Rifle (Eraser) and a narco-terrorist military coup in Val Verde (Commando).

Seagal's record is pretty good in comparison with anyone else's however - and his filmography stands out for largely avoiding the wholesale demonisation of Muslims.

Moreover, his ultimate sacrifice in Executive Decision (sucked out of the jet to fall 30,000 feet to his death) is a sober reminder that good men must risk their lives to keep us all safe.

Presidents lead by example - and Seagal's example is an inspiration for us all.

The family

Steven Seagal has done his bit to promote traditional marriage while simultaneously reversing the West's low birth rates. He has tied the knot three times and with six children by four women, his commitment to family values cannot be challenged.

And since his first two marriages were at the same time, he would surely be the first President in a long time to win electoral votes in Mormon Utah as well as the liberal Blue States.

Body odour

No, I haven't forgotten that smelly guy on the bus. But if he had been wearing Steven Seagal's A Scent of Action aftershave, that particular enemy would have been defeated too.

***

So there you have it. Charismatic, handsome, and a man of ideas. I confidently predict a landslide of at least 360 electoral votes and the most ass-kicking inauguration in American history.

And against all odds, the first president with a ponytail will be a man.

Next week: Why Jean-Claude Van Damme is the man to lead Belgium.

*Yes, OK, so that's an Arnie quote. Seagal's not nearly as prolific in his one-liners. But surely this exchange in Fire Down Below beats anything the Austrian Oak has ever uttered:

BAD GUY: "You're violating my constitutional rights!"
SEAGAL: "I will show you a new meaning to the word 'violation'!"